Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Naive

Sometimes hope is naive.  And sometimes it is more what my dear friend calls "cynical".

Take my experience with Isaiah 40:31, for example.  The Bible verse says this: "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."  My AWANA book made me learn it, several times.  I think I also had to know it for a Bible study around when I was 18.

So naturally when I was a senior in high school and my youth pastor instructed us each to write our favorite Bible verse on a brick that would become some sort of altar/wailing wall/prayer decor thing in our youth room, I picked that one.  (That and Psalm 37:4.)  At the time, I felt like I was waiting.  Which is to say, I felt impatient.  Looking back, I'd have to guess a lot of high school seniors feel that way.  But I took hope in God's very considerate reward program for wait-ers.  Waiting might not be what I wanted to do, but it was what God wanted, as long as He deemed necessary, and He made it worth it.

I didn't really want feathery wings, and I'm not much of a runner.  But I was sure there was inspiring poetic depth to the verse.  The whole chapter is pretty inspiring.  Turns out it is much more about God than about me.

It also turns out the promise is true.  Only, it isn't a reward.  It's a means to the waiting.  A God-Himself-is-worth-it, never-mind-rewards message.  On the days when I wanted to throw a tantrum and tell God that I didn't have what it took to keep waiting (like I'd miraculously been able to wait the past bazillion months of my short life), I had that nagging verse memorized to silence my lies.  I did have what it took: I had God, the God who bears His faithful (what a word) up on wings, who strengthens those who come to the end of their own abilities (however vigorous at the outset).

Without the encouragement from such verses, I might have quit.  I might have gone after what I thought were good things, my own way.  I might have chased bad things.  Over the years, I've grieved to see many people I once knew make that choice, to please themselves.  They decided they'd tried waiting for long enough.  (The nature of waiting on God is that we have to keep on waiting until He does something.  He's the boss, not me.  I don't get to give Him an ultimatum about how much longer I'm willing to give Him a chance to come through.)  I think it sort of wastes the waiting they did attempt, but maybe not.  Maybe God can redeem that time if they turn back to Him.  All I know is that if I were to quit now, I'd have to be convinced that God can't or doesn't want to do good.  If I ever quit hoping, I'm telling you right now, pray hard and come yell at me and watch me closely; my whole world will be crumbling.  By God's grace, that will never happen.

It is grace, I think, that Isaiah was writing about.  It is a certain subset of grace that I am gaining through the long-waiting.  I have experienced seasons where I stumbled, weary, and cried out to God with a pitiful whimper.  I found myself with an incredible peace.  I had so much peace I had to do deep self-examination to see if I still desired things, still felt an eagerness and even impatience for things.  In those moments I have most tasted the love of God, felt His delight in me.

It's been beautiful, in that raw, real way that 18 year old's don't talk about and don't really like to face.  I've been learning faith.  Learning that God loves me in this way.  He doesn't love everyone this way, but it is good, and I choose not to be ashamed of it.  I choose to remember that I want God and His gifts, and if He isn't giving, I don't want the present.  I am learning (slowly still... why does time always seem to come into it?) to be excited because whatever happens tomorrow, God will be active in it.  God.  The everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, who - unlike me - does not grow weary.  That God will be busy in my life.

But it is hard.  Waiting is hard.  I have been waiting and hoping for a long time.  And I still can't quite grasp why God uses time.  He is the God of "let there be light" (and there was light), so I know He can do it.  But He chooses - and this is a hint that it is something significant, that He wants to do it this way - to form things, like He formed Adam of the dust of the ground.

So.  I wouldn't quite call it cynical, what I said to my 9 year old friend this morning.  Sobering?  She held up a plaque with Isaiah 40:31 printed on it, and said she liked it.  I told her to be careful.  If your favorite verse is about waiting, God might teach you about waiting.  Just a friendly little warning.  She looked a little confused, my young friend, and then said something about liking the picture of the eagle flying above the mountain.  Oh...  Um.  Well.  Eagles are cool.  (I actually really love eagles.)

If you delight in promises about God's faithfulness to those who hope in Him, you might get a chance to demonstrate it.  And it will be good.  But not easy.  Be ready.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Sweet Remembrances

‘And he let his head sink upon his hands, while two large tears rolled down his cheeks.

‘ "You are young," replied Athos; "and your bitter recollections have time to change themselves into sweet remembrances.” ’


~ Alexander Dumas, The Three Musketeers

Sunday, March 8, 2015

For Others

I've noticed that hoping for good in others can be misunderstood.  In the time before fulfillment, it can be observed as persistent judgment.  It can be an annoying interest in things not yet complete or redeemed.

For example, I may hope that God will bring babies to my married friends, but the grief of long-waiting should sometimes not be complicated by the consciousness of disappointing others also.  Or I might hope that a friend will have the faith to do a hard but good thing, like keeping silent about a concern or moving to a third world country to do ministry or continuing a friendship with someone who has hurt them.

Also it is useful for me to remember that even though I hope someone may live up to a certain potential, that does not mean that in reality they are likely to be up for it.

Hope must be guided by love.  When is it loving to reveal our ongoing hope to others?  When is it loving to hold up a high expectation, and when is it more loving to set the bar at a more typical level?

Allegorical Painting

Hope by George Frederic Watts
For commentary on this painting, please read G.K. Chesterton's "Watts' Allegorical Paintings" from the collection "On Lying in Bed and Other Essays".

Nonsense

Buttercup: We'll never survive!

Westley: Nonsense.  You're only saying that because no one ever has.

~ The Princess Bride

Magical Place

"Once upon a time there was a magical place where it never rained.  --  The end." 



Near the end of the movie:

The Time Before

"It will rain.  
Yes, it will.  
Sometime.  
It's just the time 
before it rains that is hard.  
It always is." 
~ Skylark (1993 film)

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Passion of Patience

I wonder what this means?

"Fool! All lies in a passion of patience: my Lord's rule." 
~ Taliessin through Logres by Charles Williams

The quote is used in a discussion in CS Lewis' That Hideous Strength about waiting for orders, while it seems the circumstances are desperate and the good guys are doing nothing while evil advances.  But I'm curious what it means in the context of the original poem, Mount Badon.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Traveled A Long Way

"Some people try to turn back their odometers,
not me,
I want people to know why I look this way.
I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads
weren't paved."


One time a friend told me that waiting a long time to get married would all be forgotten once I actually get married: like the time will be erased; it will seem like a blink of an eye.  But I hope that isn't true.  The time spent has been on purpose - God's purpose.  In this time I have learned things that I didn't know: the road of hope was unpaved; with God over these years I have pioneered some new areas of my life, and maybe even among my friends.

What's more, the long-waiting does somewhat sweeten, and deepen, the potential fulfillment.  I understand differently what it is that I want, and why I want it.

I'm not afraid of scars, wrinkles, smiles, light in my eyes that testify to what God has brought me through.