Have you heard the turn of phrase, “I’d really hoped that…”? This week was the first time I ever thought about it, because I found myself thinking it in a way that was much more intentional, serious, and literal than it usually flows off my tongue.
Usually, it means we’re disappointed, mildly. This week, it meant that I have hoped - really, emotionally, actively, persistently hoped. I have prayed, and desired, and doubted, and reinforced my hope by praying again. I have had so much real hope that it could happen that I have checked just about anywhere I could think to check, for news that it had occurred.
And so this week, when I think to myself that “I’d really hoped,” it is because I am so disappointed that it takes my breath away thinking about continuing to hope for these things. I am so disappointed that I almost wish I hadn’t hoped. Can you hope too obsessively?